Look at this neat valise (gallery below), worthy of Dr. Roberts or perhaps James “Weasel” Spagnola, the guitarist of the Electric Prunes who boasted of having a tackle box of different intoxicants, a veritable drug collection arranged by effect, sort of like a set of colored fly lures. Only, since all the drug “samples” are painstakingly fabricated fakes, at least from an aesthetic point of view, this ultimate placebo collection is more interesting than the Weasel’s buzz-fishing kit. It is indeed a piece of accidental sculpture worth of Damien Hirst.

Do you remember one from, uh, High School? A sheriff or counselor would come and give a talk while employing this helpful visual aid. By the time I made it to junior high, my school had stopped these sessions, perhaps concerned about the real effect of the education some of the students were taking away from the presentation. But the kit remained up in a otherwise empty glass cabinet in the Science classroom, and 13 year-old stoners would hover around it before class, no doubt salivating as though perusing a specialized genre of porn.

The one at my school was far cooler than this kit from the 1980s—it was made in the late 60s, apparently, and it looked considerably more vintage-scientific, sort of quaintly yellowed, but most of all the models were made with a bit more love and the names for the different types of faux-dope had a bit more atmosphere. But it was never taken out of its dusty cabinet.

Yet this one, manufactured by Healthco, in Waco, TX, with its exciting, very 80s day-glo design and new wave fonts on the first panel, is interesting in a number of ways. First of all, the cold, scientific, authoritative design of the 1960s kit has been replaced by one apparently created to engage the kids with a fun, contemporary look. Hey kids, c’mon, let’s learn how to become a dope-watcher. One can almost imagine a Go-Gos or Devo song bumping away in the background. Second, since it’s been about 25 years since the 80s, give or take…what? yes, it really has, deal with it…there are a lot of extinct species here that are never, or seldom seen today. Come to think of it, since this kit was doubtless conceived by squares, it was already behind the times in the early 80s, when it probably was designed. For example, who has ever encountered Meprobamate (Miltown—though they have both the brand and generic versions here) after 1980? Other drugs displayed went extinct during that period, for all intents and purposes, like the famous ‘lude, STP, compazine, dexedrine, and kicks like Desoxyn (pharmaceutical desoxymethylanphetamine, dontcha know). There are other dated anomalies, like a methadone tablet still called by its (trademarked, it suggests) Nazi name “dolophine” (after Adolf) and the conspicuous absence of Dust-off in the inhalants section. I’ll leave the rest for you to spot.—stuff that mostly only survives deep, deep in the back of your grandma’s medicine cabinet, probably as yellowing free samples. Whyncha go check next time you’re over there, and text me if you find anything. Or leave a comment.